Relaxing Stories I

Ok. So I'm back in the Metro Area and It hasn't been 3 hours and I miss the countryside of fucked up Mariana. Luckily this summer I managed to acquaint myself once again with the comedy of George Carlin through his book "When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops" and out of this experience I managed to come up with a relaxation exercise that combines humor with creative descriptions, outrageous hyperbol, and the completely ludicrous. That said, I give you (and by extension myself) a few stories straight out of my mind.

Vance

Vance was a traveling man of habits. Every morning he would wake up, go to his balcony and masturbate, only he would not ejaculate until he heard a 16 wheel truck honk its horn on the nearby freeway. He worked in Fort Buchanan cleaning pidgeon shit from the old veterans, and occasionally he assisted in parking old Toyota Corollas for chinese tourists. Once I was told that Vance was run over eight times by a dinghy when he was scuba diving off the coast of the French Guyana. He took pride in the fact that he was the only man to have root canal surgery in front of the totem in old San Juan during the Festival of San Sebastian the day Ricky Martin was dancing Plena. But his bad luck eventually got the best of him when he won a trip to Calcutta in an online swedish polka radio station. There he contracted a virus that made him vomit and go temporarily blind every time he heard a prepositional phrase. The last time I saw Vance he was convicted for conspiring and attempting to assassinate the CEO of Los Gidrines.

Carl

Carl was always an adventurous man. He was the only man to sky dive from 10,000 feet for the sole purpose of taking a shit. During the day he rode manatees off a beach in Moca to entertain his deaf and armless friend Camilo, and during the night he conducted gang bangs in alleyways in Las Marias. Not many people actually knew that Carl was gay, even fewer people knew that he had shock therapy to make himself straight, only it actually made him accept his homosexuality. He met his first boyfriend, Alfonso, in a Señor Froggs in Zimbabwe. They both shared a passionate interest in picking up rather attractive girls (with no effort at all) and afterwards tying them up, gagging them and forcing them to watch one sodomize the other. They broke up five years later when Alfonso confessed to an affair with a Brooklyn plumber. But Carl quickly recovered and one month later his greatest dream came true. He flew an airplane, naked, into St. Peters Square during a high mass on easter Sunday. He was arrested and sentenced to life by the Vatican Justice Department for public nudity, and for falling down and accidentally placing his balls on a 98 year old nun's cheek.

Greta

Greta lived life to its fullest. She was conceived in the middle of a Ritchie Valens concert in Anusface, Manchester. Unbelievably enough, she learned to talk at the age of 9 months; her first words were "What the hell was that". Contrary to popular belief, at the age of 16 she did not lose her virginity in the back of a 67' Buick Regal, but a 68' Regal, although the rumors that the pimple on her left breast popped during climax are actually true. Greta eventually became a nurse after taking an afternoon nurse's course over the phone. She really shined as a heroine when she performed the Heimlich maneuver on Luciano Pavarotti while he was chocking on sautéed Bengal Tiger testicles. On her golden years she traveled the world doing the most extravagant things with particular random luck. She surfed on the coast of the Yangtzee river using the remains of chairman Mao's uncle as a surfboard. Afterwards she ran through Calcutta along with Mother Theresa, but she left Greta after she ate rotten curry and had to take a shit for 2 days straight. During her final years she lived in a village in Vladivostok playing Baccarat with Russian sheep shit cleaners. She died at the age of 104 from tic-tac poisoning. She never had a proper burial though, gypsies just tossed her body into the ocean where it was sodomized by a penguin gang bang.

Howard

Howard lived a good life. Every time he called a midday TV show, they would always put him on the air. Never in his life did he run out of toilet paper when he had really bad diarrhea, and his viewsat receiver always got the dirty channels even during the Nagra 3 blackout of 2008. He loved to brag about his greatest achievements. Some of which included: being the first man to eat a tiger shark from the inside, donating the sperm that was eventually used to conceive the Chinese guy that can eat 30 hot dogs in 2 minutes, and driving a 16 wheeler truck every morning and honking the horn to make some unknown man ejaculate. He never told anyone that he was actually the original creator of the snuggie, making it out of his aunts curtains while he was tripping on LSD on September 11. On a recent trip to Australia, he killed a kangaroo using only his bare hands, but he was arrested for doing so. He quickly broke out of the Australian prison with the help of Dog the Bounty Hunter and David Blaine, unfortunately, Blaine didn't make it when he attempted to stay submerged underwater for 2 hours to avoid the search dogs; He suffered a massive heart attack. Last time I heard from Howard he was somewhere off the coast of the Indian ocean sodomizing coconuts and selling them to tourists in Old San Juan via UPS.

Well took me two days but I enjoyed it. I'll make some more soon, sooner than you think dear reader.

Lionheart